just tidbits….
January 27, 2009 at 6:01 pm | In Kids, Musings again, family, public horror, surrogacy | 2 CommentsSurrogacy:
Remember, my IP’s had to get a separate health insurance policy for me because our policy through Man’s work won’t cover surrogacy. They’re stingy. We applied several weeks ago and I finally get word from them the other day. I was not approved for the premium level we applied for. Why? Because I’m a FAT ASS. Yes, apparently my BMI (Body Mass Index) is too high for that premium. On the bright side, I WAS approved for the Fat Ass policy at a 25% higher premium. See what they did there, a FATTER premium to go with my FATTER ass.
Man finally got his bloodwork done and since I haven’t heard word that he’s got gonorrhea or AIDS I guess we’re in the clear there.
I was also cleared by the social worker so now I have proof, TWICE, that I’m mentally stable. HA HA HA. If that doesn’t prove the system is fucked I don’t know what will.
At this point, my IP’s are (or may already have) picked their egg donor. I don’t want to press, because I cannot imagine this is an easy process. I don’t even want to begin to assume I can relate. I just wait till they contact me. My IM has a way of handling things and I prefer to wait for cues from her.
Home:
A friend of my kids pointed out that I’m fat and lazy and spend all day on the computer. Well, I think my son was the one making the fat comment. These are 8 year olds so, take it the best you can. I did get VERY upset. Then I realized that every member of that kids family is FAT. Man did his best to hide the guffaws as I told him the story.
You’d think this recurring theme of fat would “wake me up”. Nah… I’ll just hit snooze for now. My mother was very emphatic about how I’m NOT fat. LOL
Gadgets:
I’m totally jonesin for a new camera. Now, in a case like this I’d likely find a way to break my current camera. However, I think, for the first time in my life, I’ve actually seen the natural end of a piece of electronic equipment. What’s ironic and a little odd; I’m a bit dismayed that this camera lived such a short life. I doubt my using it in drizzle and snow helped. *wink wink*. I’m kidding. Not about the drizzle and snow, but about doing it intentionally. I really and truly think it’s on it’s last legs without any malicious behavior on my part. Imagine that.
I’ll update more as I work through this. I’m leaning toward Canon Digital SLR. Yeah baby.
Health:
At roughly O one hundred hours the dog needed to go out. At roughly O one hundred hours and 5 minutes, as I’m heading back up stairs in the dark, I bashed my left hand into something hard and wooden. Now at O five something o’clock, I’m feeling the pain. Apparently I’ve not had use of my pinky finger on my left hand all day and it is NOT enjoying the typing. Therefore I think it’s time to wrap things up.
the poop scoop….
January 23, 2009 at 9:29 pm | In Musings again, family, public horror | 2 CommentsI’m so sorry I’ve been MIA. I was, uh… abducted by aliens. Anal probes RULE. sike. Just kidding. Well… I think anal probes might delight a certain genre of folks, however I was not abducted by aliens. I was busy, I think.
The amazing Convenience Store Incident:
Man, Delores’ Parents, the smaller folk, and Delores head out to Cracker Barrel for dinner. The oldsters hadn’t enjoyed the fine dining of Cracker Barrel before so we were on it. I must interject here a minute, I LOVE breakfast for dinner, and I’m pretty sure I even posted about it before. So you can imagine just how much I love a restaurant that serves breakfast all day long. Yeah, Cracker Barrel is good for me. Selling shit while you wait for your table kind of chaps my ass but whatever. I’ll tolerate it when there’s french toast at tea time.
We pull in, head into the restaurant, put our name down on the “stand around until we feel like seating you” pad and commence with the waiting. This is when we peruse the tchotchkes and other assorted shit designed to mimic the days of old. It was during this prelude to dining that I began to feel somewhat unhappy in the upper digestive area. I became flushed, dizzy, unsteady, you name it. I decided to head to the “ladies room” and try to remedy the situation. By this time I’m really feeling nauseous.
Nothing happened in the “ladies room” and if it did, I’d tell you. I have no shame. I’m making great strides in overcoming my public restroom pooping phobia. Anyway, nothing came of my sit down. I decided, however, that a digestive disaster was in the not too distant future and that we needed to head home. I misjudged the actual distance of that future.
Man, AKA ‘Fucktard with no ability to empathize’ was not happy having to skip out on dinner. Did I say “fucktard”? I meant fat ass. One of the kids was whining about being hungry, which helped me feel guilty for needing to head home. I think my mother was the only one to show some amount of sympathy. A mother can tell just by the look in your eyes when your tummy hurts.
As we head out of the parking lot, we started to pass the convenience store which is adjacent to the restaurant parking lot. Someone in the car needed to run in and I don’t recall who at this time. I think probably Man. Anything to slow down the “head home” business. So we’re sitting in the car, my Mom and I in the back with a kid and my Dad in the front seat. Or he went in but got back out before Man. I don’t remember. I’m still trying to block out this incident, one brain cell at a time.
The next thing that happened was so fast there was no time to devise a plan. My upper digestive tract sent word to the lower digestive tract that a “shipment” was coming. Only the shipment apparently left the loading dock before the notice of impending shipment. When that happens, as soon as the upper tract gets word of the transfer of said shipment, there’s commotion in the whole line. And when I say commotion, I mean a dookie disaster is a commin.
By the time I got to the door of the convenience store, the “shipment” was just about to the gate. Like, it was backing up and I could hear that “beep beep beep”. What probably added to the tragedy was the weight of the doors. Whipping open a light, hollow core door is one thing, but trying to pry open three layers of safety glass encased in steel while clenching your ass so tight your eyeballs bulge, that causes a problem. You can only exert yourself so much in two different regions. One of those regions doesn’t get 100%.
Yeah, you know which region got the shit end of the deal. I got the door open and saw the glorious RestRoom sign at the back of the store. I tell you, I thanked Jesus, Mary and Joseph that was a short store. Only it was too late. And they must have had a lot of fly by poopers because they’d set up land mines in the main aisle. Ironically, I think there was a toilet paper display. It’s still not funny years later.
I was dead center of the store, the bathroom was soooo close. I don’t know what the hell I was doing but I swear to God I’m not making this up: I LEAPT in the air. I’m trying to get to the god damn bathroom and my body wants to audition for The Juilliard School. It was that moment, in mid-flight, when I shat my pants. Not a little toot toot squirt either. The slogan “What can Brown do for you” takes on a whle new dimension here. The shipment has arrived.
I’d like to thank Victoria’s Secrets for holding in the dookie so I could avoid having to leave both my underwear and jeans in the trash can of that convenience store. I’ll miss those undies.
argh matey…
January 17, 2009 at 11:04 pm | In Musings again | 3 CommentsHey, you there, fellow blogger. Don’t you ever get in those moods when you want to blog, but actually getting down to business seems to be this impossible dream? Like I’ll be driving down the road, in my car, cause that’s what I drive, and get this premise for a superb blog post and by the time I get home, all I remember is that I’m seriously craving a ham sandwich with potato chips on it. Nay nay friend, not WITH it, but IN it. I want one now.
Anyway, I’m going to get to the great Convenience Store Incident, I promise, but in the meantime, here’s some good ole fashioned mindless bullshit.
I finally got on my Wii fit. Dude, hula hooping kicked my ass. I got the Wii fit for xmas. I tried it a few days after xmas and only got as far as the body basics part. Gave me my BMI (holy fuck, is that number legal?), and I did 2 minutes of deep breathing excercises. Whew, I was winded after that. Have I mentioned I’m a big fat lazy ass. Anyway, Yesterday I decided to get going again since so many of my forum friends seem to rave about it. I put in 15 minutes. 15 minutes more than I’ve done in ages. It was actually fun.
The trouble started when Man wanted to “see this thing” last night. He specifically wanted to see the “Hula Hooping” in action since people he worked with were also raving. Well, I of course had to go the distance. I nearly hooped myself into a seizure. I hurt so bad today. It’s still fun as hell.
I’ve made great strides in cleaning my office/craft room. I have a super space and just need to finish organizing the smaller stuff. Unfortunately it’s cold as shit down there because it’s unheated still and it’s a basement. I did get one of the DeLonghi oil filled electric heaters. Actually I have three. The first one impressed me so much I bought two more. Unfortunately that heater is no match for the icy cold basement. It’s not the heaters fault. It’s doing a pretty good job considering.
My latest electronic gadget causing me lust is my new photo printer. Which thanks to my cleaning craze I now have room for this thing. It takes up more space than a frickin sofa. To be fair, it’s a large format printer. Which means I can print on sheets up to 13 X 19. Yeah, holy crap that’s big. I of course researched until I was blue; finally choosing the Epson R-1400. It’s ok, I’ll wait while you check it out on Amazon.com. Initially I printed some really crappy pics and I panicked. Then I switched it from text printing to phto printing. Yeah, genius here. I also learned the importance of image quality setting on the camera. Once I worked out all the kinks, none of which related to the printer, I printed a very good photo. Just what I wanted. At home convenience, photo shop quality.
Soon I’ll be loading video editing software and can finally upload all the footage from the camcorder. I bought it some time ago, and have yet to upload anything. It’s filling up too. The software box is closer to the computer, so soon, very soon, it might just be in the computer. I’ll give my impression of it after I actually use it.
Otherwise I’m still diggin the camcorder. I posted about it before and if I weren’t tired, I’d be more than happy to find it for you, but no. Just search this blog for Canon.
I don’t think I discussed the mouth guard I got from the Dentist. I think I was too horrified from the procedures that I forgot the innocent little mouth guard. It’s designed to drastically reduce the amount of jaw clenching while sleeping. it sits on the front four bottom teeth. That’s it. Tiny. Today, however, I’ve noticed I have this lima bean sized (one of my favorite vegetables), lump right in the joint between the top jaw and lower jaw. That part right in front of your ear where they two “scissor”. And it hurts. Just that small spot but still. So tonight I’m ditching the mouth guard and we’ll see what happens tonight.
Right now I’m watching that episode of Biggest Loser where Bob freaks and throws the F-bomb… a lot. Hilarious
Delores Here….
January 12, 2009 at 11:18 pm | In Musings again | 3 CommentsIn the spirit of getting to know me, here’s some more tidbits about Delores.
What’s your first thought when you wake up? Dammit.
How many times a day do you brush your teeth? On a good day, once. *see previous dental posts.
Do you eat meat? Does a bear shit in the woods? HELLS YEAH!! I’ll even eat bear meat if you grill it right.
What Phobias do you have? Holy fuck I have a lot and some are pretty damn weird. Ok, spiders. Fuckers freak me out. I hate elevators but I’m just lazy enough to never take the stairs. If the elevator looks even somewhat poorly maintained, fuck it, I don’t need to go after all. Magazines in the bathroom. I swear the people in the pictures can see me pooping. I told you it was weird. My backyard at night. I’m afraid wild animals come out in the dark, head straight to my back yard and lie in wait for me to come out there so they can bite my legs.
What’s your favorite junk food? S’mores. I love cooking smores on my gas stove. I roast the marshmallows over that gassy blue blaze and use the cinnamon graham crackers. MMMM mmm GOOD. I only use name brand ingredients. I once had to use generic graham crackers and nearly cried; it was not MMMM mmm GOOD. On more than one occasion I have been jonesin so bad for some s’more action, but was lacking the Hershey bar. Instead I just very carefully sliced a Hershey kiss into thin layers so I could create an even layer of chocolatey goodness.
What’s your favorite character from a book? I shamefully admit, Harry Potter. I have no excuse. I could probably think of someone better but it’s late and Harry was the first one to pop into my head.
Do you own a pair of “fat” pants? Dude, ALL my pants are fat pants.
Your favorite childhood pastime? Driving my little wooden car around the dirt “roads” in my backyard. In daylight of course.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, however, I have “Little Pillow”. It started when I got carpal tunnel. I discovered it was helpful to prop my hand when sleeping to keep my wrist straight and therefore lessen the pain. When my son came along, someone gave him a baby pillow (why, I have no fucking idea, unless smothering babies is that idiots hobby). I “adopted” that pillow and now, can not sleep without it. And yes, I do call him “Little Pillow”. Everyone knows there will be hell to pay if I can’t find “Little Pillow”.
Do you read the paper daily? No. It’s all the same bullshit.
Are you easily angered? Yes. I’ve gone so far as to seek revenge on a spiteful hairbrush.
Do you have trust issues? Why? Who’s asking? Who talked to you about me? What did they want?
Do you like to dance in the rain? The rain musses my hair.
Would you run around outside with just your underwear on? I’ve let the dog out the front door in my underwear and a tshirt, but at 3am. I would maybe consider running around outside, in my underwear, around 2am, under a New Moon on a cloudy night, when all my neighbors are away on vacation.
Do you get hurt easily? Figuratively? No. Literally, fuck yes. I was sitting on the potty the other day when my darling daughter bust in, as usual, and she immediately noticed the baseball sized bruise on my thigh that I didn’t even know about. And I don’t play baseball.
All this potty talk has reminded me of some not so happy moments in my life. I’ll have to tell you about my convenience store incident some day.
it’s 11pm, do you know where your Delores is….
January 12, 2009 at 10:11 pm | In Musings again | 1 CommentLot’s to post, let’s get to it. We get a lot of mail here at DeloresMelon (not really) and readers want to know a lot of things (again, not even close to true; hell it’s not even 11pm). So, here’s some questions plucked right from reader mail (uh, yeah, NOT).
Fran in Fresno writes: “What do you do in your free time?”
Thanks for asking Fran. I don’t get a lot of free time, but when I do, I sure like to spend it volunteering at a home for ne’er do wells. Maybe not so much ne’er do wells, more like my kids. And, I guess it’s not technically volunteering since I’m obligated to care for them. I really do seem to have a lot of free time. I spend it pondering the piles of clutter in my basement and the dirt stains on the kitchen floor. In most cases I’m drawn to the internet to research the best way to tackle clutter and the newest floor cleaners.
Dan in Deluth writes: “How did you and Man meet?”
Great question Dan. It was love at first sight. I mean there were fireworks Dan. Ok, since we really met online in an AOL chatroom, I suppose the “love at first sight” is a stretch. In truth, I thought he was a jackass. Apparently, that first chance meeting wasn’t just with him, but him and his cousin, who Man was showing how easy it was to “meet women online”. Initially, he and his cousin were combining the finer points of their lives into that one “guy” I was talking to. For example, Man’s nifty truck and his cousins impressive job. I didn’t realize two guys were on the other side of the screen. Yeah, deceit run amok. Thank God I am so gullible and naive, or I wouldn’t be married to that fucktard. And gone on to breed and produce the ne’er do wells.
Beulah in Boston writes: “You don’t write about your kids very often, is it a privacy issue?”
Thanks for writing Beulah. My kids are super. Super BORING. lol Just kidding. They do some pretty fantastic stuff. All the time. Yeah, they’re pretty incredible kids, those two. Fabulous. MMMMhmmm. Yep. Sure are.
Angie in Arkansas writes: “So, what did you get for Christmas?”
Oh Angie, let me tell you, I sure did have a fabulous Christmas. In fact, I have a great Christmas every year. See, years ago, I started buying myself one or two things for xmas. I’d wrap them up too, and put them under the tree. Well, apparently Man saw that as an out and quit buying me gifts. He figured I already bought what I wanted so why should he bother. He’s dreamy girls.. and he’s all mine.
Thanks for writing guys, and keep the letters coming.
I’m ALIVE…..
January 12, 2009 at 9:14 am | In Musings again | 1 Comment
I realize she’s not talking about surviving strep throat; I still felt it applied.
I am alive, and brainstorming a new post. (Don’t fear susan.. I’m coming back. lol) If all else fails, I have another dentist appointment today so there’s sure to be something to post about.
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