Delores Melon

honest to God I’m not a pervert. Admittedly, I do Google some questionable topics. (Scat anyone… *takes a moment to bleach eyeballs before proceeding*).  Mostly though, a lot of my internet findings come simply from link hopping. You know, you find a link in one article, that leads to another article. Somewhere on that site you find a link to another site. Etc, etc. More often than not, by the end of the link hopping, you’re far far away from the original topic. That’s how I find things. Somehow I found a blog dedicated to the worst of the worst in Men Seeking ads. Actually I’ve found a few such blogs. These blogs made me curious. Not for a man, but what other nonsense is out there. Well let me tell you, there is MUCH NONSENSE.

Here’s a recent excerpt from an ad on Craigslist:

The bedroom, dimly lit by a few flickering candles. I can feel the heat radiating from your body as you stand in front of me. I grab your hips and pull you to me. We start kissing, lasting several minutes, while our pulse and breathing became heavier. Our lips never part as my hands strip you down in a matter of seconds, as your wandering hands remove my clothes. I lay you down on the bed, still kissing you passionately.

I trace my tongue down your neck, licking and sucking gently as you wrap your arms around my back. I bring my mouth down to your nipples, flicking and teasing them to attention, then moderately sucking on them as you moan in pleasure. My mouth’s next stop is your stomach, kissing and licking its way down to your cleanly shaved mound, where I inhale the sweet smell of your pussy.

I put my hands behind your knees, lift your legs up towards your arms, spreading you wide as it also raises your pussy closer to my mouth. I lightly blow on your wetness, you shudder. I slowly and lightly trace my tongue all the way around your outer lips and the very insides of your legs, teasing you as you quiver in pleasure. After the teasing becomes too much, my tongue finds your hood, and begins gently caressing it up and down, to moans of pleasure escaping your mouth. Your hands are now gripping the sheets and you gasp as my tongue part your lips and slide down to the entrance, then back up to your clit. You are so wet and taste so good.

After several intense orgasms, my tongue’s sole attention is now on your clit as my right middle and ring finger slide into you easily and immediately found your g-spot. As I work them both, you cum and cum again and again and again, your juices coating my face and hand, puddling below your ass. The pleasure overwhelms you, causing your whole body to tense and shake. It becomes too much, you beg me to stop, so I make you cum a few more times just for good measure.

As I finally ease my pleasure grip on your body, my huge cock craves for attention. I sit up, licking your juices off my fingers. You pull my head down to yours and start wildly kissing me again, even though I am still covered in your cum. You reach down between us, finding my hard member. You are still so wet you pull me all the way into you, and my cock bottoms out against your cervix. That was enough for you to cum yet again. I start slow, easing myself in and out of you as we keep kissing. You cum again and again, squeezing me harder and harder. You wrap your arms around me, your lips never leaving mine, and begin moving your hips with mine, still having orgasm after orgasm.

I would go faster, sending you into a frenzy of orgasms, then slow back down to long, slow, powerful orgasms, sometimes driving all the way into you and pausing, making my cock throb against your cervix which would make you cum again, squeezing my cock. This all becomes too much for me to bear, we are going slow and passionately kissing yet again, when you whisper into my ear telling me to cum for you, deep inside you, and you tighten your muscles and clamp down on me. I tell you to cum with me, and you do as I drove all the way into you, into your cervix, pulse, throb, and flood you with my hot cum. We both SCREAM in pleasure for what seems like an eternity. My tensed body finally gives out, I wrap my arms around your body and lay down on top of you, my head lying on your neck.

And this is just the first time, there’s several more hours of pleasure after this! Please understand I am not looking just for sex, I want a LTR with a woman that loves sex just as much as I do. Just doesn’t seem to be very many women out there like that. And the uptight, unimaginitive women looking in the LTR section keep flagging my post.

A little about me: SWM, incredibly smart, charming, highly independent, 5′9″ 165lb average\athletic body, shaved black hair and brownish-green eyes. I have a good job, my own place, and live alone. I am a real person and not some BS website, so if I sound even remotely interesting please send me a message.

You: SWF, petite to average, sorry, no BBW’s please. Must be attractive, intelligent, and able to hold a conversation. Lets see if the sparks fly. Your pic will get mine, SO SEND A PIC! If you don’t I probably won’t respond.

Allegedly, a guy wrote this. I know this to be true for a number of reasons. First, the ad is titled “m4w”. Now, I’m not quite up on the lingo, but I’m pretty sure that’s related to the gender. Secondly, who, other than a man, would write about a woman having, (I estimated here, having no idea precisely how many a “frenzy of orgasms” is), roughly 22 orgasms.  Who? you ask… a man that’s never BEEN with a woman, that’s who.

My clitoris laughed out loud when I read this ad.  Look, I enjoy an orgasm as much as anybody. However, I’m quite positive I’d be either dead, severely dehydrated, or at the very least, suffering from temporary paralysis after an evening of such rigorous activity.  He never mentioned water breaks, bathroom breaks, or breaks for stretching.  Is a paramedic standing by for this?  Maybe she’s already hooked up to IV fluids.

I think what we’re not seeing is the truth of this ad. This isn’t an ad for a long lasting relationship complete with hours of hollywood sex scenes. This is REALLY an ad for a man with a fetish for ancient chinese torture.  Unless he’s got a gallon of Astroglide, there’s NO WAY that womans hoo hah is staying that wet for that much activity. Even prostitutes take a breather. Maybe he rigged the garden hose up and angled it towards her va-jay-jay.

And the part about “my cock bottoms out against your cervix“…  Dude, wtf? Is that the hot new sex slang nowadays? I really don’t think you know a whole lot about that cervix.  I don’t want anything bottoming out in or around me. I can’t help but think if diarrhea at that term.

The blurb about your “huge cock“, a nice touch.  Anybody that writes this kind of fairy tale is probably not packing anything huge. A gut maybe, but not a cock. I’m envisioning World of Warcraft on pause while he stops long enough to type up this gem.

So his one personality types this story about clitoris and cervix abuse, then the other personality takes over mid ad and types “I am not just looking for sex, …”.  I’m sad for this man, and his mother who’s still washing his laundry.