Delores Melon

Rather, days. Yesterday a third grade student at my son’s school died. I don’t know for sure but it sounded like an aneurysm. Whatever it was, it was not contagious. Today, a student was stung by a bee and sure enough had an allergic reaction. Ambulance called again. Thankfully this time there was no death.

Things like this do not affect me. I still felt shock. That’s about it. I used to think I was just horribly insensitive. Recent research leads me to believe it’s A.D.D. related. My social skills were another tip off that something wasn’t “right” with me. I really hope I don’t turn into one of those people that uses it as a crutch.

This week, my week of Adderall, I noticed I’m more sociable. While I still find being in company of others uncomfortable, I see where it’s letting up. Frankly, it’s the least of my problems.

So, back to the day. *yeah, the adderall wore off already, it’s late* My daughter had a soccer game. She’s four. It’s a game for four and five year olds. Now, I realize my observation skills are sometimes on the fritz, but I could see clearly it was a YOUTH soccer game, and NOT a bar.

Unfortunately, another “mom” there was under the mistaken belief that we were in fact in a smoky brawl inducing bar. She had to be confused. How could you light up a cigarette within a few feet of 20 or so children, a handful of babies and toddlers and a smattering of adults. I would think the lack of any actual beer would somehow give way to reality..?? Maybe that’s just me.

Now she didn’t enjoy her stick ‘o cancer as far away from the other oxygen breathers as she could. Nay nay. Why, she stood right directly in front of us , UPWIND of us (we had the damn smoke blowing right at us), and roughly 3 or 4 INCHES from the field. Standing right next to the 2 or 3 sidelined soccer tots.

Obviously I handled this in a very adult fashion. I dramatically covered my face with my sweatshirt and made comments 2 decibels above conversational tone. As did Man, without the filtered mouth. Yes, I realize we’re outside. However, smoke does not dissipate before leaving the offending smokers immediate area. Nay nay. It travels my friends. Long and far.

Anyway. I’m bored of worrying about it. See, there’s another pro for A.D.D. Before I manage to implode out of anger and frustration over things, I typically forget what I was so angry and frustrated about. Or, I get distracted by something shiny.

I upped my dose today by an eensy bit. I’m a great pill cutter. I ordered a pill cutter, as I’m sure sooner … *intentionally omits ‘later’*, I’m going to impale myself with the very sharp knife I’m using to dissect my get up and go pills.

Today was awesome. I do not feel “high”. I do not feel drugged. What I do feel is something close to normal. I think. You could tell me all day what normal feels like to you. Wouldn’t register in my brain. I don’t feel so much of the not normal feeling.

The upper level of my house is more organized than it’s been in ages. The kitchen floor is also much cleaner. I’ve cleaned the kitchen floor more this week than I have in the past six months. I only wish I were joking. God bless Man.

Ex-girlfriend is totally avoiding me. Her son plays on another soccer team. At the same time. Lovely. *shrugs* Honestly, I have other things going on that hit much higher on my priorities list. Childish high school antics don’t even rate. Part of me wants to just call her and act like nothing happened. The other part, (luckily the larger part), says “Fuck her, she’s been shitting on me for the past three years. If she’d rather be BFF with the people she’s been complaining about for nearly as long, have at it.” I don’t care to gossip, bitch about nonsense, or worry incessantly about my children’s mystery ailments. *insert sarcasm here*

I think the only reason I have that small part that wants to call, is she was the only friend I had. I left a few friends behind when I moved here. You can’t exactly call them up and expect them to drive and hour and a half to grab lunch.

I’m also in repair mode: Fixing the marriage I nearly totaled; Making up for the lost time with my kids that I chose to spend staring at a computer screen instead of doing anything with them; Learning more about ADD; putting my house into more order and less disorder. Believe you me… this past year was bad. I haven’t decided if I’m going to blog about it or not. No I did NOT cheat on Man. jesus, give me some credit.

Time for bed. I took my last adderall much later than the previous two days. I was somewhat worried about my sleep being affected. I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes in the A.M.

Apologies for typos, grammar blunders, run on sentences, dangling participles, double type, double type, *hee hee* .

Delores <3

Ten Things I love about having A.D.D.

1. My ability to multi-task is almost supernatural. However, it’s probably not brag worthy that I can eat, talk on the cellphone and drive simultaneously.
2. I have an abundant supply of ketchup, mustard and cleaning products.
3. In a group of peers, I’m most likely to have the most morbid take on things, and the most awkward sense of humor.
4. Wait… what was I doing?
5. My filing system takes almost NO time.
6. I have the most organized underwear drawer.
7. I have more useful and not so useful information in my head, I could rival Britannica.
8. I know more about A.D.D. then my friends.
9. My favorite excuse now is “I’m sorry, must be the A.D.D.”
10. I get to take uppers.

So my day went well. After sitting for an hour after taking that first dose of adderall, I wasn’t totally sure what to expect when I stood up. I knew that my internet practices had taken a different tone if you will. When I stood up, I realized I’d been slowed down considerably. In a very very good way.

I literally drove the speed limit on the way to pick up my daughter and didn’t feel like I was having to force myself to do it. My movements felt more deliberate. When I walked into the preschool, I was shocked to find myself smiling. IN PUBLIC.

To put this into perspective, my comings and goings at my daughters school were rushed, harried, head down, don’t look at me and for the love of john please do NOT talk to me. Today…. today I was SMILING. I strolled leisurely. I didn’t break my neck getting out of there. I actually carried on a conversation with my daughter. Now, she’s nearly five so using the term “conversation” is kind of overstating things, but you get the idea.

Then the real fun started. I cleaned the house. I mopped floors. OK, I swiffered floors. Same difference. For me, that’s a great big ole bowl of hallelujah. I cleaned the bird cage and organized the pet paraphernalia under the birdcage. I’m still reeling about the bathroom. I did laundry.

I haven’t mentioned the best part. I did not scream at my kids. In fact, I was rather subdued. There was a fight over cleaning up a toy that both were involved with. Screaming ensued. Them, not me. My daughter, in a fit of tears and anger, went to her room and announced she was NOT cleaning it up and she hated her brother.

Now, yesterday, I’d have screamed. Worse, I’d have screamed and then picked it up myself. Nay Nay. Today, I went back, calmly, and removed said child from her bed and escorted her back to the scene. Once I determined that my son had done ample cleanup for his share, he was excused and she was instructed to clean up. Which she did.

I think out of all this amazing transformation, I’m most stunned at this: I have not been eating everything I can get my hands on. I ate breakfast, consisting of a bowl of my most favorite cereal and soy milk. After I picked up my daughter, nearly noon, I realized not only had I not eaten, I hadn’t thought about food. I had leftovers, a burrito. I then grilled a hamburger for dinner.

I realize you’re likely in a state of “huh?”. I’m sure for some people, that is a normal food day. For me.. nay nay. You see I spend nearly every waking minute thinking about food. I start thinking about foods that I want, but really shouldn’t have. I’ve spent the better part of my life dealing with my weight. It’s only recently that the realization has hit me that I think about food constantly.

It’s a wonder I don’t weigh 500 pounds. Needless to say, today was a real treat. I’m interested to see how tomorrow goes.

Basically the adderall is wearing off, I’m exhausted and cannot seem to collect my thoughts effectively in order to post coherently at this point. Tune in tomorrow when I begin tweaking my dose. Should be exciting.

I’m medicated. Right now. On .. *lowers voice to a whisper*… Amphetamines.

So, here’s what went down. I went to my doctor. Now, some days I don’t like my doctor and I’ll tell you why. Navigating their automated answering system is like trying to hack into the FBI mainframe. It literally gives me an ulcer when I have to call their office.

Then there are times when I adore my doctor. I’ve been going to her since I moved to this little crevice of a town. Nine years. In all fairness I do adore HER. It’s her offices inner workings that create issues for me. I’m getting off track. *did you see that? I managed to reign myself back in!*

She’s pretty good about trusting that I’m not a moron and therefore gave me a prescription for Adderall after we discussed my recent research and therapy appointment from the previous day. So, cut to today, I’m about an hour in on my first dose. Now, because I’m a wimp and I have to pick my daughter up from school, I halved my dose. I’m chicken.

I’m not really sure if it’s “working” or not. There’s lots of room for adjustment here too. I suppose I could talk about something else while we wait to see if this is working.

*drums fingers on desk*….

Oh. My girlfriend and I “broke up”. That’s the second time in my life that I’ve “broken up” with a girlfriend. It sucks, but since it doesn’t suck THAT much, I guess it was bound to happen. She’s the type of person that seems to gravitate to drama. In our three years together much of our time was spent discussing the lives of other people, some we liked, some we didn’t. She divulged secrets to me that she didn’t think she should.

So now I’m left to wonder, what of my business has she divulged to other people? You see, even though so and so irked her, and she claimed to go out of her way to avoid so and so, she still managed to hang out with said irksome person. Not only that, but she would totally blow ME off to hang with these people that she’d griped about to me. I find that very confusing.

There were several instances where we’d made plans to do something and she completely blew me off, and ended up going to hang with another “friend”. This didn’t affect me nearly as much as my children who were excited about the prospect of playing with her children. Her excuse? “she forgot”.

I’m no gold medalist best friend. I don’t claim it at all. I do however defy you to tell me I’m not loyal. I’m like the golden retriever of best friends. OK that’s kind of a weird metaphor.

I tell it like it is. She would call me for advice and I’d tell her my thoughts. I wouldn’t coddle her if I felt it were really important. I don’t think I ever said anything hurtful, it was not ever an intention. She was my best friend.

How do you complain about persons a, b, c and d, and I don’t just mean complaints like “they’re mouth breathers”. I mean, “I’m avoiding this person because I don’t want my kids playing with their kids” or “This person really hurt me..”. I’ve heard the latter on more than one occasion. How do you complain about these people, and blow ME off (a non mouth breather), to hang out with them.

I don’t get it. So what caused the breakup? Well, quite simply I gave her a dose of her own medicine. She and her youngest were expecting my daughter for a play date and I blew them off. They called and I said I’d changed my plans. That was the end of it.

Now here’s why I’d finally had enough. That morning, of the planned “date”, I called her to remind her that she said she’d watch my daughter for me that afternoon. Her tone was irritated, and she said she’d of course forgotten and told friend “a” she’d go somewhere with her. Her response to me was, in aforementioned irritated tone “I guess I just won’t go with ‘a’.”

what the fuck.

Since this is my blog I’m going to continue to ramble about this since I’m getting “therapy” from this. yeah.. therapy.

I’ve been in her presence enough to know she’s never without her cell phone. So not only does she take calls when they come through, but she’s been known to MAKE calls when we’re together. So why would she not answer whenever I would call? I know she checks her home phone caller ID because she’s said to me on the rare instances that she does call back, (I rarely leave a message because I know she’s got caller ID and I’m usually just calling to chat, nothing pressing), so she says “I saw you called”.

I realize I’m nitpicking. I realize I’m being childish. I also realize I’ve been a second class friend for awhile now. I’m the friend that’s called on when everyone else is busy. Yes the “friends” that she seems so eager to dish on to me, the ones that she goes out of her way to avoid, yet somehow, manages to always be with.

Even Man has told me she’s not a very good friend. Whenever I would tell him she’s going to call me, or do something with me, he would roll his eyes and say “yeah right”. She was notorious for never calling me back even when she was to call me back in like 2 minutes. She’s left me on hold for ten minutes more than once to have a phone conversation with someone else. Before you ask, I realize I should have hung up. I would just put it on speakerphone and have an ADD moment and remember I had been talking to her when I heard her come back to our call.

So why, if she claims I’m a good friend and a, b, c and d are such rotten friends, am I the one dumped? Man says she craves drama and since I don’t have any real drama going on at the moment, I’m essentially dumped.

My Mom says she’ll place an ad in Craigslist for me, to find a new friend. My Mom’s a gem. A real gem.

I should have listened to myself. I just spent 80 bucks for that woman to tell me what I already knew. Dammit. I don’t need therapy, I need a good drug dealer. I realize I need to organize my clutter. I realize I need to not obsess about the way I stack my towels in the closet. What I need to is be FIXED. For fuck sake.

There was a moment in that meeting, or rather, expensive rap session, when it occurred to me… “she’s telling me the very same things I already FUCKING KNEW”. It’s not her fault. I won’t blame anyone for making 80 bucks an hour to tell people shit they already know. For all I know there’s tons of people willingly handing over their money because they like having the obvious pointed out. That’s a genius mind at work there folks. A money making endeavor to be reckoned with.

Now would someone PLEASE PASS THE RITALIN!

I’m no more in need of therapy than I am a prostate exam. I can read and figure 95% of this shit out. What I can’t do is get my fucking head to STOP.

I’m using capital letters as an outlet for my disgust. And to keep from kicking the dog. Anywho…

I’m going to my primary care doctor tomorrow. I’ll just explain to her that if she doesn’t help me, I’m going to turn to drugs and alcohol. What doctor can honestly overlook that? She’ll be backed into a corner with no way out. Right? Isn’t there some oath or something. Although… she’s a nurse practitioner. She may not have taken this elusive “oath”…. I better come up with a backup plan.

I’m going to the therapist this afternoon. I’ve been to one therapist one time, a year ago I think. Boy, was he a dud. I don’t know what I thought a therapist appointment was supposed to be like, but that sucked. I never went back obviously.

This time I’m seeing a woman, and closer to me geographically. I’m sure you’re just on pins and needles, as am I, about how this will go.

OK, honestly I’m sure she’s going to look at me like I’m nuts. But that’s likely just how her day goes. I wonder how often she gets someone in there and in the back of her mind she’s thinking “jesus christ this nimrod needs HELP!”.

*nods head*… yeah .. that’ll likely be me.

I like reading past posts, those that do nothing more than confirm for me how much of a space cadet I really am. Ah well. I made an appointment with a therapist for Monday. Hoping for the best.

I’m not sure if this is normal or not, I mean it could be A.D.D. related, but when having sex, do women think about the sex, or other things? In a recent episode of “Life with Man”, I found myself thinking (I’m married so it’s ok to talk about sex), “I should look down”. Then I went on to worry about passing gas. I’ve done that. His take on it was not good. He apparently did NOT enjoy the hot rush of air on his testicles.

I then continued to think about thinking what I was thinking about. Nothing wrong with the activity we were engaged in mind you. I just couldn’t stop thinking. And yes, I intended for that first sentence to come out that way.

Aside from that, Man continues to be just that.. a man. Nothing wrong with that I suppose.

HaHa. I just realized I’d forgotten I was in the middle of this post.

God Bless A.D.D.

Not only am I trying to broaden my horizons through text, I’m opening my musical world too. I feel like I’ve spent years trying to keep my head above water, just treading. I became convinced my erratic thoughts, my inability to focus for more than 10 minutes *on a good day*, were all flaws of my character and I would forever be labeled lazy, forgetful, and .. this is my favorite.. selfish. “Selfish”?

A title bestowed upon me because of the mistaken belief that I did things, all things, purely for my own benefit. From a non A.D.D. standpoint, I suppose that would make it seem that way. However, that’s not the case. In researching A.D.D. I’ve come to see, I do things because I have to. I have this pull that makes me stop what I’m doing and start doing something else. Annoying really.

The more I read about ADD the more energized I get. It’s so nice to realize I’m not this broken, flawed, stupid, lazy person. I read and read and see so much of myself in everything I’m reading. The thoughts I couldn’t figure out how to convey are written right there. God, it’s a relief to know I’m not a useless human being, but merely in need of a little “adjusting”.

So, in light of this, I’m in total overdrive researching and reading, etc etc. I figure it’s ok, since I have an explanation, I’m just looking for the steps to find the solution.

I’m still feeling blemished though. Like I’m less than “normal” people. I guess that will go away. That feeling. Man doesn’t help that, but I know he doesn’t mean to make me feel that way. He’s just so used to being nearly perfect in everything. Too bad he’s not perfect in relating to me.

Oh well. We’ll get there eventually I suppose. My first step is finding a therapist. I hated calling and hated even more that I had to leave a message. I don’t know why I can’t seem to push down the wall that shoots up whenever I have to make an appointment for something. I reasoned with myself that making future appointments would be much easier if I made this one and started getting help.